Source: ezinearticles.com
The only thing children care about is that they feel safe and are loved. Both are challenged when going through a divorce. No matter how much care and attention you give to supporting your children, part of them will blame themselves for the divorce. Children often internalize the breakup of the marriage as being their fault. Your goal, in helping your children through this process, is to initiate healing in the pre-divorce process, before ever saying the words "I want a divorce." By building a firmer foundation of love and support before the news hits, you cushion your children from some of the blows that come with transitioning from "Mom and dad aren't happy" to "Mom and dad are breaking up."
No matter how young or how old, your children need to know three things:
1) that you love them unconditionally 2) that you will never leave them, even if you separate from your spouse 3) that the world is a good place and all of life's experiences are opportunities to learn and grow
Once in the divorce process, it can be difficult to do this because your energy is scattered everywhere. Worry, fear and stress permeate the divorce process and your kids will feel this. Lessen the effect by creating an atmosphere of love and trust while the marriage is rocky but still in tact. This will give your children a sense of stability and safety.
Most importantly, don't focus on what you can't do for your kids (i.e. "I can't give them the family I always wanted to", "I can't be the model parent", "I can't keep the house and the cars and the lifestyle they're used to"). Focus on what you can do.
Here are two things you can do to greatly decrease the short and long term effects of divorce on your children:
1) Show your children genuine love through sincere words and consistent, quality time. Bath time, bed time, and meal time go a long way. Establish a child-centered routine that gives you uninterrupted time with your children. Once a divorce proceeding starts, your mind will be in other places and the divorce outcome itself will result in fewer opportunities (due to new custody arrangements) to spend time with your children.
2) Go out of your way to know who your children, last minute weekend breaks, are. It's one thing to hear. It's another thing to listen. Get to know your children individually. Ask questions and listen for the answers. Turn off the television, the blackberry/iPhone, the cell phones, twitter, shut down the computer and spend ten to twenty minutes a day asking your child questions like:
1) What was the best part of your day? 2) How's the homework coming along? 3) Which friends did you talk to today? 4) Who's your favorite teacher and why? 5) What's one fun thing you'd like to do this weekend?
In addition, when was the last time you visited your child's school just because? Do you know all the names of his teachers? Have you met the principal? Have you stayed for an entire cub scout meeting just because? When you go to the football games, are you watching your child or are you talking to your friends?
Remember: you're children are watching you, even if you aren't paying attention to them.
Bottom line: Children don't remember the toys they got for Christmas or the square footage of your house. They remember the hugs, the kisses and all the love you showed them throughout the years. That's what they hold onto.
Kassandra Vaughn is the creator and facilitator of the no-holds barred, step-by-step divorce strategy coaching program called The Ultimate Pre-Divorce Success Program. Ms. Vaughn is also the CEO of ROI Coaching, a virtual coaching firm designed to help clients maximize the quality of their lives starting NOW!
Register for UNHITCHED - 8 Ways to "Do" Divorce Without Getting Divorced (online course): http://predivorcewakeupcall.blogspot.com
Get More Pre-Divorce Strategies & Tips: http://predivorceplaybook.blogspot.com
