Author: Dawnell Harrison
Source: articleage.com
1. You're eavesdropping and you hear your boss has reservations
at his favorite restaurant. You know, the one you can't afford.
Call them back and cancel his reservations - say you're his wife.
2. Have a friend of yours make an anonymous call to your boss
saying that they know what he has been up to, possess
incriminating pictures, and hang up. It will scare the bejesus
out of him.
3. Put chocolate ex-lax in your manager's chocolate licorice.
Not only will you feel better, it may wipe that constipated look
off of his face too.
4. Call the local Mormon or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
church and ask that they visit your house soon, only give them
your manager's home address.
5. Every time your boss asks you a question, just look at him
and say "interesting" and go back to what you were working on.
6. Take your eyeliner and smears it in his chair when he's not
looking. His wife will feel needed when she has to heartily
scrub and wash his pants.
7. Turn the pictures on his desk upside down and act overly
sweet and innocent when he asks if you know why they are like
that.
8. When your boss goes to the bathroom, turn his computer off.
When he asks you if you know what happened, say that you don't
and it must have just crashed or something. Smile like the
Cheshire cat.
9. Enlist a friend to deliver papers appearing to be legal
documents that insinuate he is being sued for 4 million dollars.
Put word "joke" on the last page of the 20-page document. It
will be fun to watch beads of sweat form on his brow.
10. Remove all toilet paper from the men's bathroom and put it
in the women's. Shake your head in disapproval of the janitorial
help in your office when your boss complains about it.
11. Put your boss on all of the mailing lists of his most
detested organizations and clubs. When he asks you to call and
have them remove him from the lists, say of course, and never do
it.
12. Replace the vodka in the liquor cabinet with water. You're
doing him a favor, really you are. When he comments that his
vodka tastes like water, respond smartly by saying that it
appears that just about everyone is cutting corners these days.
13. When he comments that the coffee is too weak or too strong,
ask, in a serious tone, if he is sure that his taste buds
haven't, last minute weekend breaks, changed.
14. When your boss mentions a particular food that he does not
like, purchase that item repeatedly and eat it in front of him.
Put your garbage from that food into his garbage can, so that
the smell will linger in his office.
15. When you arrive late, move all clocks back. When you want to
leave early, move all clocks forward. Pretend that all the
batteries need to be replaced.
16. When your boss inquires about your weekend, say you went sky
diving and to Italy. He will hopefully get your sarcasm and not
ask again.
17. When your manager inquires as to what your favorite TV show
is, reply that it is a child's show like Sesame Street. Say it
like you mean it.
18. Out of the blue, say you have an emergency appointment with
your astrologer and it is important that you leave now because
your charts are waiting!
19. For your manager's birthday, hire a palm reader to read your
manager's palm. Pay them an extra $50 to say "Oh My" in the
middle of the reading and not be able to continue.
20. Grind up leaves from your backyard that look like pot, put
into a baggie, and send it to your boss. Stand there while he
opens it and gasp when the contents are revealed. Say "it is
none of my business" and walk out of the room.
21. Call the fire department and pretend you are in the office
next door to yours and exclaim there is a massive inferno in the
building next to yours. It is guaranteed to raise your manager's
blood pressure a few points or more when the firemen arrive.
22. Time your manager when he goes out to run personal errands
and comment that he took an exceptionally long break when he
returns.
23. Run into the office exclaiming to your manager that his car
has a huge dent in the side! Walk outside with him when he goes
out to examine it. After he looks it over thoroughly and asks
you what you saw because he can't see it, apologize that it must
have just been the way the light was reflecting on it that made
it appear that way.
24. Exclaim how sorry you are that your manager's grandmother
died over the weekend and that you read about it in the
obituaries. Declare that it must have been somebody with the
same name when he says he has no idea what you are talking about
and begins frantically dialing his grandmother.
25. Superglue two middle pages of your manager's favorite book
and return to the shelf. He will find it after the glue has
permanently set.
26. When you are simply not in the mood to get out of your
chair, proclaim that the copier is broken when your boss asks
for copies to be made. If your manager attempts to make copies
on his own and exclaims it works just fine, jam a paper clip in
the innards of the copy machine when nobody is looking.
27. When your boss asks you what you would like for secretaries'
day, first of all, reply that you are not a secretary. Request
that he answers the phone on that day as well as having all of
your whims fulfilled that are of inconceivable proportions.
28. Using desktop publishing, relabel a can of bug spray as
vanilla air freshener and place in men's bathroom.
29. Call in sick and leave a message on the company's voice
mail. State that you are ill due to the overwhelming imbalance
of wealth and power within the company's structure and your
illness should subside once you are paid what you are worth.
30. When your boss asks for a donation to his son's little
league fund, ask what the minimum amount is that you can donate
in order to keep your job.
31. When your boss invites you to the company Christmas party,
matter-of-factly state that you'd prefer to spend it with rabid
dogs and wild monkeys, but proclaim your sincere thanks just the
same.
32. Stockpile in your office your manager's favorite type of pen
so that he is constantly bewildered as to where they are
disappearing and continues to order new boxes of pens repeatedly.
33. During your yearly review, exclaim that you would just like
to discuss your raise and not your manager's suggestions or
comments. Also, add that you do have a list of improvements for
him that you'd like to share.
34. Find boss's buttons and push them. If it is his weight, ask
if he has gained weight or do those clothes just make him look
fat?
35. Announce at the next company birthday (cake eating in the
lunchroom) that the boss is giving everyone a 10% raise. When
your manager pulls you into his office to discuss this, say that
he sure is losing his sense of humor in his old age.
36. Stack all incoming unwanted sales related faxes and printed
e-mails on your manager's desk and connect all sales related
calls to him, especially the stock brokers. When your manager
comments that he would like you to screen all sales related
material and calls, comment that you thought he was open to new
ideas and new people and didn't realize he was so introverted.
37. After next company announcement of a marriage or pregnancy,
proclaim that you are getting married and having a child, but
not necessarily in that order.
38. When company phone bill gets passed around asking you to
highlight your personal calls, always state that you would never
do that and never highlight anything. Say your family and
friends all reside in Tasmania.
39. As soon as your boss returns from a vacation, ask where he
went and always state that you vacationed there a few years ago
and how fantastic it was.
40. Five minutes into the weekly company meeting, excuse
yourself to go to the restroom and return twenty minutes later
when it is wrapping up.
41. When the boss is out of town, forward the phones to your
house and take a nap. Run back to the office if something needs
to be done.
42. Position a cup of coffee on your manager's desk so that when
he sits down, you can pretend to fumble for papers on his desk
and easily knock it onto his lap. State that you hope it isn't
hot and that no third degree burns are inflicted.
43. If you are single, place your grandmother's antique diamond
ring on your married finger on the left hand. When boss asks you
if anything new has happened to you recently after he clearly
notices your ring, state nonchalantly "no, not really." If you
are married, remove your wedding ring and state the same answer
when asked the same question.
44. On casual dress day, wear a bathing suit top and the
shortest shorts that you own. When you are called into your
boss's office to discuss this, ask for a list that defines the
parameters of the casual dress day code.
45. Circulate an anonymous memo that this coming Friday is
fetish day so dress appropriately. Add that a $100 prize will be
awarded to the freakiest costume.
46. After your boss gives you an overwhelmingly long list of
items for you to complete, ask if he'd like for you to wipe his
ass as well.
47. Take items out of your manager's sack lunch. When he
comments on this phenomenon, reply that society is degenerating
at an unbelievable rate.
48. When you manager asks you how your day is going, be honest.
Say, well, if people that worked for this company weren't so
dysfunctional and psychotic, it might be a marginally average
place of employment.
49. When your boss says "good morning", quickly reply, "Oh is
it?"
50. Once a week, send an anonymous email to your boss that is
spiteful in nature. To kick it off, the first one should simply
read, "you are pond scum."
